Return on Life: MORE Communication is sometimes the answer

Often, when we read about how to improve communication, we are encouraged (and very rightly so!) to remember that we have two ears and one mouth by design. Listening more and talking less definitely leads to improvements in communication. At the same time, sometimes it helps to share more. Here's an example shared by some friends who have now been married many years:

The first year they were married, they acquired an electric blanket--the kind with separate controls for each person. This worked wonderfully for them, as he preferred a low temperature while she preferred a toasty warm setting. All was well that first winter. However, when the second winter came around, when the blanket went back on the bed. In the process, the controls were placed on the wrong sides of the bed--the control that was handy on the husband's side was actually plugged into the wife's side of the bed, and vice versa.

The first night, the husband was too warm, so he adjusted his control to reduce the temperature. The wife was too cool, so she adjusted hers up, to be warmer. This went on for a number of days, with each of them attempting to adjust their own temperature while accomplishing exactly the opposite. He was ready to bake while she felt like a block of ice. But neither said anything, just suffering in silence. Finally, one mentioned to the other of their discomfort, they figured out what was going on, and switched the controls back to their rightful owners.

So, sometimes, more communication is a good thing. If you have an issue or concern, it doesn't normally help to just internalize it. Complaining about it is not the best way either. But DO state what your problem is and seek help. Don't freeze or cook for days on end with no one else aware of the problem--some issues don't solve themselves after all!

Return on Life: Even if someone ELSE is the problem, consider how YOU can adjust

I teach workshops on Social Style, a model which helps participants understand, based on observable behavior, how they and others prefer to interact as well as techniques for more successful interactions without trying to change who you are. The improvement in communications reduces conflict and frustration. Invariably, when I describe the workshops, the person I speaking with immediately responds "I know someone who needs to attend that!" Sometimes it's said in jest, but there's still a hint of immediately thinking of someone who needs to change how they interact in order to reduce conflict.

Think about yourself. I'm certain you interact with people who irritate you. If only they would change, your relationship would be so much better. You are probably right. The person who came to mind probably popped up first because they exhibit the most difficult behavior for you and others to accommodate. But don't forget the other side of the equation: You. Stop and think what you can do to help foster good communication. Give some thought to why they act the way they do.

A quick example: Someone who dominates a conversation may have a view of the world in which they don't feel they get enough recognition for their contributions. Your view may be VERY different from that. But if THEIR view is that they are lacking in recognition, they'll keep acting in ways to increase recognition. Our tendency is to try to shut that off because they begin to drive us crazy. Instead of trying to muzzle them, try asking their opinion first and acknowledging their contribution. It may help them be able to settle down and listen to everyone else. It's seems like exactly the wrong thing to do, but you'll be amazed at how it can help.

Don't ever forget, even if you're not part of the problem, you can become part of the solution!

TRULY effective communication

One way to increase your return on life is to improve communications with those you interact with. You've probably all heard that a good communicator has one mouth and two ears for a reason. Steven Covey references "seeking to understand." I had a recent learning in this area: it's not just surface listening, but deep listening, that is required to truly communicate well.

My husband loves cars, and he tends to get bored with whatever vehicle he has after a couple of years. I am the complete opposite--as long as a car gets me where I want to go, I wouldn't care if I owned it for ten years. We've gotten used to each other's preferences in this regard, but I was still missing something about this until not long ago. I had noticed that when we did get a new vehicle, it was only a matter of weeks before Steve began talking about the latest and greatest vehicle that was being developed and pointing out every new car on the road. I found myself thinking "Wow, he's already unhappy with the car we just got, he already wants the newer, better one." You can imagine I was feeling stressed, because the last thing I wanted to do at that point was think about a new car.

I finally said something to him about it, and an amazing thing happened: I found out that it wasn't at all that he was unhappy with the current car, he just LOVES CARS! He notices every new model and what he likes and dislikes--probably like some people are with clothing fashions. He was just enjoying looking and talking about it.

By voicing my frustration, I found out that I had made an incorrect assumption and was feeling stressed as a result. Since I now understand what's actually going on in his head, I can actually enjoy his passion of the cars and not be consumed with thinking we were headed off to the new car lot immediately!

I imagine you are aware that you need to listen to others to communicate well, but are you REALLY listening? It's not as easy as we think!