Attitude: Abundance vs. Scarcity Mentality

One of the attitudes that will help you increase your return on life is an attitude of abundance versus scarcity. An attitude of scarcity assumes that because someone else has something, you cannot have it. Now, obviously, if you are considering the status of the same physical item, you both can't have it at the same time. But if you're talking about intangibles such as success or love or happiness, one person having them doesn't keep you from attaining them at the same time. This brings in the concept of abundance mentality. Abundance mentality is the realization that just because someone else has (or desires) somthing, it does not preclude you having the same thing.

This is on my mind particularly this week, as I am preparing for an event which is a perfect example of abundance mentality at work. Next Tuesday, February 5, from 3-7 p.m. there is a region-wide celebration of networking being held at the Radisson Greentree. It is a particularly noteworthy event when you realize who is behind the effort: Not one, but two referral networking organizations who are direct competitors to each other are working together on it. It's the second year they've done this. Deanna Tucci-Schmitt of BNI (Business Network International) and Tom Reda of TSBN (The Small Business Network) understand that even though business people eventually must choose between their two organizations, both organizations grow stronger and support their members better if they work together on events such as this, which help everyone become more effective referral networkers. It's a beautiful thing, and if you haven't registered yet for the event, check it out at www.indpittsburgh.com !

Are you abundant or scarce in your mentality? Give it some thought today!

So, how DO you increase your return on life?

Over the past 18 years, I spent a lot of time working on figuring out how to get rid of the "is that all there is" feeling. You may be struggling with that thought right now. It basically comes down to the Three A's: Attitude, Actions, and Alignment.
We'll talk about each of these going forward, but the thought that I wanted to share today is a basic fact that will help you begin to immediately increase your return on life: Your attitude comes from your thoughts. You control your thoughts. Therefore, you control your attitude.
It takes practice, to be able to stop a thought that is not productive for you, but you can learn to do it. As you practice, you'll find that changing your thoughts changes your attitude, which changes your mood, which changes your entire temperament--for the better!
Over the next few posts, we'll talk more about how this works specifically. I welcome YOUR thoughts as you think over mine!

We should ALL think this way!

Dan Grzybek, a seventh-grader at Hampton Middle School in the Pittsburgh, PA area, provides a great lesson in ownership and responsibility. After completing a social studies project on underprivileged people throughout the world (Dan chose water as his topic), he decided that it wasn't enough to just learn that more the 28 million people in West Africa don't have access to safe drinking water. He realized that the amount of water a typical person in Africa uses in a day is about the amount an American uses to flush a toilet just once! His research also led him to the realization that for $5,000, a well could be drilled by World Vision, a relief and development organization.

So, Dan is working on raising $5,000. He has placed water jugs in classrooms throughout his school, and a student talent show is planned for February 22 with the proceeds from ticket sales ($5 each) going to the cause. It's easy to imagine that we can't really have much of an effect if we can't travel to another continent and help dig the well ourselves. This seventh-grader's effort provides an excellent example of how to make a difference in a practical way. One well can actually make a difference to dozens --or even hundreds of people.

Think about how you can make a difference, even with a small effort. Oh, and if you'd like to help Dan reach his goal of $5,000 before the end of February, contact his school at 412-492-6372 to find out how. Congratulations, and thank you, Dan!

Dealing with the real world

One of the ways to increase your return on life involves being able to adapt to circumstances beyond your control without letting the situation get you totally off track. Resiliency helps you to assess situations and take appropriate actions without getting mired in the emotions. This is an area that I believe we are quickly losing ground, to our detriment.

Those of you who live in or near the Pittsburgh, PA area no doubt saw new coverage over the weekend concerning a female in the home of Steelers team member Cedrick Wilson. After the incident had been resolved, it was reported that she had fired a gun during the incident and that law enforcement officers had evacuated the neighborhood.

What surprised me about the accounts of this event had nothing to do with the woman, who was obviously severely distressed in one way or another. What I found disappointing was the reaction of the individuals who had been evacuated--or those connected with them. In two separate reports of the incident, the only quotes from these individuals had to do with dismay or with "feeling sorry for" those who had to leave their homes. I found that most curious. My reactions were relief that no one was hurt, sorrow for the distress of the young woman, and gratitude for the action of the officers in ensuring that everyone was safe. It didn't occur to me to feel sorry for the neighbors who were "inconvenienced" by having to leave--even though most had to spend the night elsewhere. I imagine they stayed with friends or family, perhaps in some cases in a hotel, and had time to pack necessities prior to evacuating.

When did we come to expect that somehow our lives are not to be interrupted by the rest of the world? Think about inconveniences you face and think about your reaction to them. Could you see an inconvenience as an opportunity for adventure, or a little spice in your life? You're the one who chooses your attitude, and acknowledging the positives and seeing the possibilities will serve you better than wallowing in self pity over being inconvenienced by real life.

TRULY effective communication

One way to increase your return on life is to improve communications with those you interact with. You've probably all heard that a good communicator has one mouth and two ears for a reason. Steven Covey references "seeking to understand." I had a recent learning in this area: it's not just surface listening, but deep listening, that is required to truly communicate well.

My husband loves cars, and he tends to get bored with whatever vehicle he has after a couple of years. I am the complete opposite--as long as a car gets me where I want to go, I wouldn't care if I owned it for ten years. We've gotten used to each other's preferences in this regard, but I was still missing something about this until not long ago. I had noticed that when we did get a new vehicle, it was only a matter of weeks before Steve began talking about the latest and greatest vehicle that was being developed and pointing out every new car on the road. I found myself thinking "Wow, he's already unhappy with the car we just got, he already wants the newer, better one." You can imagine I was feeling stressed, because the last thing I wanted to do at that point was think about a new car.

I finally said something to him about it, and an amazing thing happened: I found out that it wasn't at all that he was unhappy with the current car, he just LOVES CARS! He notices every new model and what he likes and dislikes--probably like some people are with clothing fashions. He was just enjoying looking and talking about it.

By voicing my frustration, I found out that I had made an incorrect assumption and was feeling stressed as a result. Since I now understand what's actually going on in his head, I can actually enjoy his passion of the cars and not be consumed with thinking we were headed off to the new car lot immediately!

I imagine you are aware that you need to listen to others to communicate well, but are you REALLY listening? It's not as easy as we think!

Watch the words you use

Part of my mission in life is to eliminate negativity. Don't misunderstand that I believe that I will eliminate all negative situations. I just want to work on how we respond to them. We are getting caught up in overreactions and hyperbole, which increases our stress levels and reduces our enjoyment of life.

Here's an example: An article in AARP Bulletin (Vol. 49 No. 1, January-February 2008) on page 6 describes a law passed in Tennessee which prohibits residents from using commercial addresses for voter registrations. The problem with the law is that some retired residents maintain their residency in that state via a commercial address, but spend all their time traveling around the country in their RVs. So now they cannot vote. Several of them have brought a lawsuit against the state to get this changed--which is exactly what they need to do. As a voter, I have missed voting in only one election in my entire voting life--a local primary--and I definitely don't want anyone doing anything to get in anyone's way of exercising that right.

The issue I have is with a statement from one of the affected individuals, who is quoted as saying "I feel like we've been violated." While I strongly agree that the law has an undesirable side effect, this disenfranchisement of voters was most likely unintended. I don't feel that it rises to the level of them "being violated." Using that term to describe this situation is emotional hyperbole. This usage may seem a small matter, but it's an example of the way we use terminology in an exaggerated way. It actually trivializes the term "violated" and raises the level of noise and the feeling that everyone is a victim. I would rather we talk about intending to have the law changed due to the unintended consequences and stick to discussions about the reality of society. I imagine this scenario never occurred to the lawmakers, and I haven't checked any statistics, but my guess is that there are more full time RV'ers than 5 years ago, and the number is growing.

Stand up for your rights, but work on talking about it in an adult manner!

Be certain the goals you set are yours

Setting goals that stick requires that you set goals (and activities to get you there) that are truly yours, not someone else's. It's easy, especially this time of year, to take on goals that sound good, but that we have not really thought through. This also works at the level of deciding what activities you'll undertake to reach the goals.

I was reminded of this yesterday during a conversation with my friend Michelle. We are both working on getting in better shape this year. Michelle's goal is to workout every other day for 60 minutes. As a former body builder, that will likely include weight lifting at least twice per week with various aerobic activities thrown in. I, on the other hand, as a former runner, have a goal of running in a half marathon in September. My regimen will be made up mostly of walking, jogging, and running, with a little strength training thrown in.

We are working toward the same general goal--better health through a stronger, more fit body. But we're taking our own paths to get there. As you think about your goals, be sure they're goals that truly matter to YOU. And set up the daily activities accordingly.

Have a great weekend!

Getting rid of guilt

I hope you've given some thought to what you want your life to be this year. You may have even begun working on some specific goals that resulted from that thought process. If you have, rest assured that at some point you will fall short of your expectations of yourself. Perhaps you've decided to exercise 5 days per week, or stick strictly to a diet. The first time you miss an exercise day or eat something not included in your diet, what do you think will happen? GUILT will set in.

About two years ago, I came across the comment that guilt is a wasted emotion. I had to think hard about that one. It was difficult to consciously decide NOT to feel guilty (I guess I felt guilty about not feeling guilty?). But I finally decided that this made sense. Guilt, contrary to what we are often taught, is not a helpful emotion. It gets in our way. It keeps us from getting back on track and moving forward. Deciding not to feel guilty doesn't mean you don't have a conscience, it just means that you won't get stuck feeling badly about not being perfect.

If you don't meet your own expectations, rather than spending time feeling guilty, figure out what went wrong and renew your commitment to the expectation you have set. Or decide that the expectation was unrealistic and adjust it. Either way, make a decision and move on rather than getting caught in the guilt trap. If the guilt involves an interaction you've had with someone else, make amends and then move one.

This year, when you don't meet your own expectations, skip the guilt stage. Focus on your "I want my life to be" statement, and you'll find that you begin to create a greater Return on Life.

A real life example of setting goals based on your values

My last post suggested a first step in setting goals that stick: Begin by considering a broader view of what's important to you. Here's an example of thinking through the WHY of a goal as well as the HOW:

Two days ago, my husband and I spent a couple of hours moving furniture and "stuff" in our offices. Yesterday and today, he has had aches and pains all over! As we were discussing why he felt so tired and achy, I commented "Well, you are a relatively sedentary person." He thought about this for a few minutes, then responded by asking me to begin helping him, this Monday, to become more active. It would have been easy for me to simply offer to remind him to go for a walk or a bike ride several times a week--but that has the potential to put me in the position of nagging--which is not a habit of mine and definitely not a goal!

So we first talked about why he wanted to become more active. His reasoning is that if he doesn't, he may not live a long and healthy life. He would LIKE to live a long and healthy life, and he knows that he must become more active to increase the odds of accomplishing it.

Second, I asked him how I could help. As we talked, he was able to decide on his own that the best course of action would be for him to begin practicing yoga on Monday. This is an activity he has tried previously and enjoyed. We already have several yoga tapes, so it's a good choice, as he's more likely to do this at home for now.

Third, we discussed WHEN on Monday he would schedule his yoga session. Because he is planning this for the evening, he also realized that he'll need to make sure that he doesn't come home from work hungry. If he does, he'll have to eat dinner first, then will be less likely to follow through with the yoga. By thinking through WHY this is a goal and HOW, he has set a realistic starting place.

And, at this point, his goal is simply to start. Had he already been in the habit of exercising or otherwise being active, he could create a specific goal, perhaps of X times per week or X minutes per week, to increase his activity. But for now, anything he can do to increase his activity is helping accomplish his goal of becoming more active to live a longer life, so he is taking a great first step. As he progresses, he will need to (and be able to) set more specific goals--and they should always be consciously tied back to his value of being healthy.

Have you thought about what's important to you and what you should be doing to accomplish it?

Making New Year's Resolutions that Stick

Welcome to 2008!

New Year's resolutions are on nearly everyone's mind today. We have all experienced the excitement of setting a goal for the year, then losing focus as the holiday memories fade. Some of us react by refusing to establish goals or resolutions the next year, to avoid setting ourselves up for failure. Others are eternally optimistic and start off every new year with resolutions to improve ourselves not matter our level of success in the past.

Before you set specific goals this year, begin by considering a more general statement: "I would like my life to be (or I would like to be)________________ during the next year". For example, rather than immediately setting a goal of losing 30 pounds or sticking to an exercise routine 5 days per week, think about what is driving that desire. Your statement could be "I would like to be healthier next year", or "I would like to be more active". Then you can decide specifically what actions you can take to accomplish that general goal. This has the effect of directing your focus on what you truly want to accomplish in the larger sense.

This technique is one of the ways to increase your return on life: Tying your goals and actions to your core principles, values and beliefs, rather than on those imposed externally. We'll talk more about this in the weeks ahead.

There's something about putting a desire in writing that helps bring it to reality, so here's mine: I would like my life to be more active in the coming year. I feel better physically and mentally when I walk, jog, swim, bike, move somehow on a regular basis, and I've gotten sporadic about it. So, this will be my focus for the year.

Give it some thought, then I'd love for you to share your "I would like" statement!