Return on Life: Moving toward the life you desire

Are you excitedly planning your new year--setting new goals, new directions new projects? Or are you rolling your eyes at everyone else who is engaging in this futile behavior yet again? With every new year, I see people in both camps. Some are chomping at the bit for January 1 to arrive, for a fresh start. Others are busy resolving not to make any resolutions.

This time of year is indeed a good time for reflection. Many of us have some time away from work, and once Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Ramadan, or whatever we celebrate has passed, we find some down time before re-engaging fully.

When you hit that time this year, if you are feeling less than excited about identifying huge life-changing initiatives, try taking a different tack. Simply give some thought to ways to continue to move toward the life you desire. The key words here are "continue to move toward." Life is truly a journey, a process. We often frustrate ourselves and feel inadequate because we haven't yet figured "it" out. Or we don't know what the end result is or should be. The point of life is not being at a perfect place that we cant' quite figure out but we know it must exist. The point of live IS the journey. Yes, we all want to achieve more, to improve, to be better. Just be sure to mentally relax and enjoy the process of getting there!

Dr. Wayne Dyer says it best: "Your purpose in life isn't to arrive at a destination where you find inspiration, just as the purpose of dancing isn't to end up at a particular spot on the floor. The purpose of dancing--and of life--is to enjoy every moment and every step, regardless of where you are when the music ends."

Perhaps that would make the very best New Year's resolution!

Return on Life:Give People a Chance. . .

A chance to change, that is. I know, I know, you are thinking "but people don't really change--we are who we are--leopards don't change their spots." It may be rare to find that another person's true nature changes. However, many people do learn to moderate their behavior or to let go of fears or needs that trigger unbecoming behavior.

What got me thinking about this was watching all the NFL news over the past couple of weeks, relating to Terrell Owens and the Cowboys. Terrell Owens has a history of very self-centered behavior that is destructive to whatever team he is playing for. When he's unhappy, everyone knows it. And it has been the case that if he wasn't getting enough attention, he was unhappy. But I've been watching that behavior moderate over the past several years. Owens will never completely lose the drive to win and the opinion that he should be a central part of that happening each and every game (even on the days he's dropping the ball). However, he has learned, for the most part, to deal with the issues internally.

Unfortunately, the sports media has not noticed this change. When the first report came out that there was dissention in the ranks in Dallas, and as the story continued to be the highlight, not only was Owens not the source of the story, he made not comment whatsoever. Numerous reporters grilled him and lambasted him over and over, almost goading him into blowing up on camera. What they failed to notice was that it wasn't working. Clearly, there was some kind of disagreement--an issue probably raised by Owens. But he did it internally, and kept it internal. He wasn't the bad guy this time around. I really think that although he still may have an overblown opinion of himself, he has matured enough to moderate his behavior. And that should be recognized. The behavior of the sports analysts in trying to force it to become a bigger issue than it really was was ridiculous.

During the holiday season, it's likely you'll spend time around family, colleagues, and friends that you don't see often--and may prefer it that way. Keep your mind open to the fact that people do mature and moderate their behavior. They sometimes realize their past behavior was inappropriate. They develop new attitudes. Don't expect miracles, but give 'em a chance!

Return on Life: Sticks and Stones...

Many of us remember the childhood saying "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." We sort of laugh as we say or think of this phrase, but President George W. Bush has provided us a live example. Over the weekend, during a press conference in Iraq, an Iraqi reporter threw his shoes at President Bush. In Iraq, this is insult of the highest order, as the soles of your shoes are the lowest, dirtiest part of you. The gesture loses some of its impact, however, when the shoes are thrown at a non-Iraqi. Clearly it's an indication that the thrower disagrees or is angry with the target, but it just doesn't carry the impact intended.

Knowing the venomous intent with which the shoes were thrown at him, President Bush could have felt highly insulted, angry, hurt. He chose instead to react with a little humor (stating that he could duck the shoes successfully due to his practice ducking reporters questions), and to move on. If you are not of the Arab world, it's easy to see why it wouldn't be such a big deal. But what if someone had spit in Bush's face (or yours for that matter)? Americans would see that as a much higher insult, decrying the act, feeling extremely insulted.

So here's the question: What if you were able to choose to view interactions that someone intends as insulting the way President Bush viewed the flying shoes? What if you were able to choose not to allow someone else's words or actions anger, frustrate, or hurt you? The fact of it is that you DO have the ability to choose that view. It can be your choice not to legitimize another's attack on you by refusing to react in anger or frustration.

The next time someone hurls an insult at you, see it as a flying shoe and laugh it off just like "W" did!

Return on Life: Smile!

Smiles are amazing. Remember that old song "Smile, and the whole world smiles with you?" It turns out that the song, originally written in 1928 by Larry Shay, Mark Fisher, and Joe Goodwin, was exactly right. Recent studies show that if you smile at someone, they are likely not only to smile back at you, but to also smile at others they encounter afterward. One smile could conceivably travel the world!

These days, there's plenty to be glum about--potential job layoffs and cutbacks in Holiday giving just to name a few. All the more reason (while you're making decisions and adjusting to current situations) to share a warm smile with everyone you encounter. Not to pretend that the world is perfect, but simply as a way to share positive human contact. On a recent airline flight, I had to change carriers at the last minute due to a delay in the arrival of what should have been my flight home. I could tell the ticket agent was stressed (a stern look and a frown were my first clues) at trying to sort everyone out without making an error. I smiled as I explained my situation and asked for her help. That, and patience on my part as she sorted it through helped her end the transaction with a smile herself. She even chuckled and smiled at a fellow ticket agent. Who knows how far that smile travelled!

It's not about keeping a fake smile plastered on your face twenty-four hours a day. Just focus on a brief smile to each person you encounter during the day. Not only will it travel far and wide, it will warm your heart at the same time!

Return on Life: Abundance Mentality at Work

I've written previously (January 31, 2008) about what Steven Covey calls "abundance" mentality, which is basically an attitude that suggests that there's plenty to go around for everyone, that someone having something doesn't preclude us from having it as well (money, love, happiness, etc.). It also includes the idea that sharing can be a positive experience for everyone involved.

In today's news, we have a real-life example of abundance mentality: The Spungen family, former owners of Peer Bearing Co. in Chicago not only sent turkeys home with their previous employees, they included sizable checks (a total of $6.6 million between 230 employees!) from the proceeds of the sale of the business earlier this year.

Now, I'm not imagining that they didn't keep anything for themselves. But no matter how much they netted, no one expected them to just give away nearly $30,000 average to each employee. How often have we seen, in recent months, CEOs who not only would never entertain such a thought, they are busy laying off employees and begging the government (read taxpayers) for bailout money while declining to forgo their multi-million dollar bonuses.

So, hooray for the Spungen family. They are the example we all should emulate. What's interesting is that not only are the former employees happy, as you would expect, but amazingly, so are the Spungens!

How can you be more abundant in your mentality? Give it some thought!

Return on Life: Be Flexible With Holiday Traditions

Yes, I know it's not even Thanksgiving yet, much less Christmas, but we're getting there quickly! Having lunch with a friend yesterday reminded me of one of the ways we can all reduce stress and truly enjoy the holidays.

My friend Michelle loves Christmas. Every year she puts up not one, but three decorated trees (one of them is probably fifteen feet tall and greets you in the two-story vaulted entrance to her home), assembles a model train layout, and bakes cookies which she shares with friends and family. She thoroughly enjoys it all. However, this year she has been traveling extensively both for business and pleasure and has been busy, busy, busy with a very quickly growing business (she has become a best-selling author with her first book!!). It's been an exciting time for her, but has just about used up her energy reserve--mental and emotional as well as physical. As she thought about putting up all the Christmas decorations, instead of total excitement, she began to feel overwhelmed. Many of us, at that point, would begin to feel frustrated that we were too tired to create our traditional holiday time. We'd feel guilty and sorry and sad. What Michelle decided to do instead was to create a new tradition--to change her paradigm. She decided that she will perhaps put all the trees up only every other year, and this year won't be one of them. She allowed herself to change without getting stuck in thinking that this would make her holiday less than what it should be.

Holiday traditions should be fun, warm, comforting. Don't let them become sources of frustration and guilt! If you have a tradition that can't or won't work this year, increase your return on life by creating a new one!

Return on Life: Respectful Discourse

One of the ways to increase your return on life is to reduce stress by being more respectful in your communication with others. We are sometimes told not to keep emotions in, to be able to vent. I agree that some venting is helpful and healthy, the other side of the coin is that there is a limit to how much creates any postive effect, as well as constraints involving time and place.

Case in point: McCain's concession speech and Obama's victory speech. Both were delivered in a manner that was respectful of their opponent. We've certainly not always seen this in past elections. Obviously, losing a presidential race, after all the months of long hours, little sleep, money spent, and emotional upheaval, is extremely disappointing, frustrating, even maddening. But it is not helpful to the losing contender's image or to the psyche of their voters to "share the pain". McCain did the right thing to immediately help his supporters to move past the emotion of the moment into the new reality. After all, they can't change the outcome of the election. They can learn from the experience, but the reality is that their candidate didn't win. By openly stating his acceptance of this fact and his support of Obama as President-elect, he helped his supports to do the same.

Obama made a great contribution as well, by acknowledging McCain respectfully. He also acknowledged that there are those who are not supportive of him, but that he promises to be their president as well.

Both speeches were good reminders of the lessons we all learned as kids: Don't be a sore loser, and if you win, don't gloat. At least not in public!

Return on Life: Have some fun!

Sometimes we get so caught up in trying to get everything done, we forget to just enjoy life. I was reminded of the importance of just having fun last Friday and Saturday. After presenting a workshop for a planning retreat on Friday, I was invited to stay through Saturday. On the agenda for Saturday was an excellent session on business planning, but sandwiched in between the Friday and Saturday sessions were a scavenger hunt and game time.

What I loved about the scavenger hunt is that it all took place on the grounds of the retreat center (a lovely old mansion near Wheeling, WV) and it really wasn't difficult to find the items. The hunt consisted largely of finding or creating strategically placed costumes and taking team photos wearing them. You can only imagine watching groups of adults ranging in age from 30 to over 50 getting dressed up like cows, emulating the American Gothic painting, and creating Halloween costumes from rolls of plastic and tape. The energy and laughter were only surpassed by an intense game of Catch Phrase a few hours later (if you've never played Catch Phrase, you're really missing out!). It was a competitive group, but no one forgot that the purpose of both of those activities was just to enjoy ourselves --and we did!

Take a minute to look at your life. Are you remembering to just have fun? Not just enjoying yourself, but doing something that will have you doubled over with laughter. If not, figure out a way to make it happen and you'll increase your Return on Life!

Return on Life: Keep on learning!

You never know where your next learning will come from, so it pays to keep an open mind. During a presentation earlier this week (at the Women etcetera! Pittsburgh Conference) as I was discussing attitudes that do and don't help you as you consider life changes, I stated that guilt was an emotion that had no purpose. My thought on this has been that although many people believe that guilt is a motivator when you don't do something you should (or DO do something you shouldn't), I see it as a DE-motivator. Getting stuck in guilt holds you back.

As I finished the thought, a hand went up in the back of the room. Dr. Katie McCorkle (www.drkatie.com) of the Balanced Heart Healing Center begged to differ with me. Although she agreed that it's not helpful to get stuck in feelings of guilt, she pointed out that guilt is an indicator that something is wrong. It made immediate sense. Just as physical pain is an indicator that something is wrong with our bodies, guilt is an emotional pain that something is off kilter in our psyche. So guilt DOES have a purpose--but only as an initial indicator. If it's indicating that you've made a less than stellar decision or taken an action you regret, use that indicator to decide whether you need to make amends and then move on, or just simply accept the situation and move on. Either way, don't stay stuck in the guilt stage. Moving past this stage quickly will have a positive impact on your Return on Life. Thank you, Dr. Katie!

Return on Life: Sometimes it's the small things!

It all began with a cup of coffee. One cup of chocolate mocha coffee, with 2 teaspoons of sugar. I drink a couple of cups of coffee every day--in the morning. But this one was consumed Sunday afternoon at 4:30 p.m.--an hour or so after my usual caffeine "cut-off" time. But it was a cool fall afternoon, perfect for a hot drink, and I love anything chocolate. I was happy.

Until 1:30 a.m. that is. I was able to go to sleep initially, but woke up several hours later and could not get back to sleep until after 4:30 a.m. And had to be up at 6! I know that's what caffeine does to me but I just didn't think about it at the time. Well, of course I was tired on Monday, then was up late because we had dinner out with my husband's clients, had to be up and out the door early on Tuesday, was up late Tuesday to watch the Presidential debates and recap, then out the door by 6:45 on Wednesday.

By then, having had 3 nights in a row with too little sleep, I was like a walking zombie. When I went to make coffee Wednesday morning, I put two scoops into the coffee maker, then realized there wasn't enough ground, so I poured more whole beans--but not into the grinder. No. Into the coffee maker along with the ground coffee already in there. That's when I realized what I'd done to myself and how impaired my functioning was.

So, Wednesday night I went to bed early, got a good night's sleep, and couldn't believe how much better I felt. I popped right up out of bed on Thursday, alert and ready to go. Sometimes, what gives us a better return on life is something huge, life changing. Other times, however, it's the little things that can make a big difference. Give some thought to the little things you do that could have a big impact in increasing your Return on Life! You can bet it will be a long time before I drink a cup of coffee after about 2 p.m.!

Return on Life: Volunteer!

Last Saturday I got up at 5 a.m., had a quick shower and breakfast, and arrived at the set-up area for the Northern Allegheny County Chamber of Commerce Classic, a half marathon and 5k road race. This is the race I began training for last spring, then had to abandon. I decided that if I couldn't run, at least I could devote the time to help out.


In addition being pretty darn early for a Saturday morning, it was about 40 degrees, dark, and raining when I arrived. Sounds like a prescription for a grumpy morning, doesn't it? What I found was a whole group of friendly, energetic people setting things up for the runners. As runners began to arrive, there were more smiles and good feelings--even when the biggest crush of runners who had not preregistered arrived about 15 minutes prior to the starting time. There was not one cross word or even a frown anywhere to be seen.


When 5k runners began to finish and half marathon runners ran by on their first and second loop, we cheered each and every runner. Not all of them acknowledged our support, but many did. As they finished, we waited at the end of the finish line chute, ready to clip the plastic ties holding the timing chip on their shoes. And, for those who didn't trust the ties and had laced the chip in, we untied the double knots so they didn't have to bend down (energy they didn't have at that point!!). I can't tell you how many of those runners made a point to say "thanks for volunteering today," or "thank you for your help."


Looking back, although I'd have like to have been IN the race, I'm absolutely glad I offered to help. It was only a few hours out of my weekend and I know I made a difference. I also got to meet some new, interesting people--the other volunteers.


You've heard, many times, that volunteering helps you feel better about yourself. It's absolutely true. And it doesn't have to be a huge, ongoing commitment. Even a one-shot deal will make a difference for you and those you help. So, the next time a volunteer opportunity arises--take it. I promise you won't regret it!

Return on Life: The Power of Realistic Expectations

Prior to leaving town for nearly a week recently, I stopped by the post office to fill out one of those big yellow cards requesting that our mail be held until our return. Since I wasn't certain what day we would arrive home, I marked the box requesting that it be held until I picked it up. A day later, we made a definitive decision to return on a Saturday. Immediately I thought, "Wow, it would be great to have that week's worth of mail delivered on Saturday--I can go through it while watching NFL football on Sunday, and be ahead of the game." So I stopped back by the post office to request that change. Rather than finding the card I'd already filled out, the clerk handed me a new card, explaining that rather than him going to look for the original one, I should just fill out a new one and they would see both and be able to resolve the difference, and our mail would be waiting for us Saturday when we returned.

I probably don't even need to tell you that our mail was NOT waiting for us when we returned. I picked it up Monday instead. In the past, I'd have been all bent out of shape about the inconvenience, the postal service incompetence, etc. I'd have developed a grumpy mood. But by now I've learned, in situations like this, not to expect that it will turn out right. It would have been a pleasant surprise had the mail been waiting for us! I've also learned that although I might have insisted that the clerk find the original card, because I was about 95% sure it wouldn't work the way he thought, some issues are not worth causing a hassle over. Sometimes it pays to be the more accommodating party. It's not at all about lowering your standards, it's about being realistic.

Think about what makes you grumpy when it doesn't work the way it should. Is it a situation that's worth insisting on, or is it one you can let go, realizing that it's not likely to ever work exactly the way you want, and that's okay!

Return on Life: Avoid Jumping to Conclusions

As I watched the story unfold this past week about Tennessee Titans' quarterback Vince Young, I was reminded of one of life's basic rules: don't jump to conclusions. When the first reports came out that police had been called to help locate Young and that Young had been found with friends, just chilling out, there was immediate backlash at the overreaction by Coach Fisher and the authorities. It wasn't until several days later as more detailed information was revealed that it became clear that there was cause for concern.

We see this over and over as the haste to be first with the news results in publishing only half the story. But my point is not to berate reporters and news outlets (not this time around!). Stop and think about how often you react to someone else's actions by saying or thinking, "What a stupid thing to do", or some version of that thought. Is it possible you don't fully understand that person's situation or thought process? One manner of treating others with respect is to begin with the assumption that they came to their current conclusion through some logical thought process. You might not understand that process, therefore their reasoning or decision might not make sense to you, but I'll be you can gain more understanding if you ask.

Reduce your stress level by avoiding the temptation to jump to conclusions. Ask a few more questions, and all may become clear. And, if you think someone is making a bad decision, understanding their thought process in making it will facilitate helping them consider an alternative!

Return on Life: Be "in the moment"

Life coach Diana Fletcher (www.dianafletcher.com) teaches us that less multitasking is actually better for us. I had a reminder this week of just how true that is. This past Wednesday morning I was in a hotel room in Flushing, NY, getting dressed and ready for a presentation at 8:00 a.m. At 7:20, I finished the oatmeal and coffee I'd had delivered to save time, and stepped outside the room to set the tray in the hallway outside. You can probably guess what the next sound was that I heard. Exactly. The click of the door to my room as it shut behind me! Did I mention I was traveling alone? There I stood, thankfully clothed except that I was in my stocking feet. No ID, no room key.

I realized at that moment that I had let my mind become too busy thinking about the presentation. You see, I'm normally the one that checks three times to be certain that my keys are in my pocket, every time I leave the house. And probably check four times when I'm away from home! But because I was not thinking about what I was doing, I didn't even think about the fact that the door would close if I took one more step to the left...

Fortunately, they sent security up (quickly, I might add) and allowed me to show my ID AFTER he let me in the room, so I didn't have to traipse down to the marbled hotel lobby in my bare feet. However, by not paying attention to what I was doing--not staying in the moment-- cost me between 10-15 minutes that would had been valuable at that point in time and helped me feel more calm as I headed down for my presentation.

As you go through your day, stop and think: Are you living in the moment, or are you caught up in a past or future moment. Focus on where you are now, one thing at a time. It will lower your stress level and increase your return on life!

Return on Life: Link Goals to Core Values

In order to set meaningful goals that you truly care about achieving, you need to ensure that there is a link between your goals/actions and your core values. A college professor in a workshop I conducted recently for a small college in West Virginia provides a perfect example of this. We'd gone through an exercise where each individual identified the 5 values that resonated most with them, then identified a goal for the coming year. The next step was to consider whether the goal had a link back to one or more of the values.

One professor offered that at first glance, his goal didn't match up, but in his mind, he could see the link. Here's what he said: "I have a goal of improving my health. My top value is achievement in my field. At first glance, those don't seem exactly related, but I know that my health is becoming an issue."

He had it exactly right! He realizes that he has to take some steps to improve his health, and that it is important to him because if he doesn't, he will not be able to live his highest value of achievement. Each time he takes a step to improve his health (eat a proper meal, exercise, etc.), he should remind himself that he is doing it so that he will be healthy enough to continue to advance and achieve in his field. That's the core value that will drive him. For someone else, health in and of itself might be the highest value, but for him, it's the achievement. By making the link in his own mind, he'll be more motivated to stick to his "get healthy" goal.

What goals do you have? Can you link them back to a core value for yourself? Let me know what you think!

Return on Life: Taking a toll?

Passing through a toll booth on the Pennsylvania Turnpike (at least at the Cranberry and Monroeville exits) is such a pleasant experience. And no, I'm not being sarcastic! No matter what time of day or which lane I use, the tolltaker always greets me in a friendly manner, smiles, and happily agrees to provide a receipt. Why am I pointing this out? Because it didn't used to be that way.

When I first moved to Pittsburgh in 1998, most of the tolltakers were grumpy and barely spoke when you went through. One groused at me about handing him small change for a $.75 toll, "I'd have rather you handed me a twenty," he grumped! But that's all changed, and it's a study of what can happen when you DECIDE to change your perspective and your manner of interacting.

This change in attitude came about after the tolltakers went on strike a few years ago, complaining that they were underpaid, lacked in benefits, etc. So the managers of the tolltakers began working the toll booths and offered for the tolltakers to either come back to work under the current conditions or find other jobs. It happens that I am familiar with the pay scale and benefits of tolltakers, and the managers were right in this case, by any stretch of the imagination. Pretty quickly, the strike was over and the tolltakers were back at work and even stated at the time that they hadn't realized how good they have it. And I began to notice immediately how much friendlier they were--the happiness showed.

Their attitudes changed because their perspective changed. They are not just acting more content, they truly are. They DECIDED that their jobs had many positive aspects and were something to be appreciated. Think about yourself. Concentrate on something that is a negative in your life. Is your perspective out of whack? Can you DECIDE to have a more positive perspective? Give it some thought--you might be surprised what you come up with!

Return on Life: What can we learn from "What not to Wear"?

As you watch the 2008 Summer Olympics, keep your eye out for U.S. swimmer Tara Kirk. Tara was the focus of a "What not to Wear" makeover which aired July 25, and she'll be looking great! "What not to Wear" fascinates me, partly due to the great fashion ideas, but even more so from the psychological aspect. I love watching the transformation the participants go through in one week in terms of the psyche as much as their physical appearance. And many of them accomplish the transition kicking and screaming all along the way.

That's where Tara was different, and it's a great lesson in the difference your attitude makes. Her appearance was transformed as much as any other guest on the show. But her attitude was in the right place from the start. Instead of arguing that a certain style wouldn't work, or having a meltdown when she tried something Stacey and Clint suggested, she listened to their suggestions, internalized the dos and dont's, and when the first few items didn't work, she kept trying--without getting emotional about it. It was not difficult to see why she is an Olympic athlete. She approached change with an open mind and persevered in the face of obstacles.

Think about your own reaction to change. Do you go along, but only under duress, or do you embrace the possibilities and treat it as an opportunity for improvement? Do you give it one shot, but then immediately abandon the whole idea if it doesn't immediately work out? The same attitude that helped Tara make the U.S. Olympic swim team can help you soar in your life as well!

Return on Life: Be a leader, not a complainer

How often do we all read or hear a news account of a talented star athlete gone wrong? Literally on a daily basis, we read about DUIs, assaults, drug related arrests and more from professional athletes. We shake our heads and sigh, or complain--and move on with our lives. One former professional athlete has decided to DO something about it. Michael Irvin, former Dallas Cowboys superstar and NFL Hall of Famer--and former bad boy himself--has, over the past several years mentored several of the current NFL problem players. And now he's gone a step beyond that.

He convinced NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to bring all the NFL rookies to Hall of Fame activities in Canton, OH. By doing so, he hopes to help these young players grasp the bigger picture earlier on in their careers. And Goodell enthusiastically agreed. Irving is choosing to be a leader.

Think about people and situations that are not going the way you believe they should. Are you merely complaining, or is there a way you can influence the situation? Complaining and casting blame is much easier, but by making the choice to be a leader, you can truly help create a better Return on Life for everyone involved!

Return on Life: Enjoy the Journey

I wrote last about having to adjust my "get fit and stay healthy" goal for the year. I had planned to accomplish that goal through running, including a half marathon in the fall. That plan has been interrupted, if not completely trashed, by a nagging Achilles tendon issue. To stay active while I allow the tendon to heal, I've begun swimming.

I remember my father teaching me to swim, and how scary it was, at 5 years old, to push off the side to kick and float without support for the first time, with him standing probably only ten feet away, arms outstretched. He had to reassure me several times that he would be there to catch me--and he was! From that point on, I spent hours and hours at our local outdoor pool in the summer and at an indoor Olympic-size indoor pool year round as a teen. I even taught swimming lessons (the four and five year-olds were the most fun!). But then came a period of my life where I just didn't swim. For many years I was just involved in other activities and didn't spend much time around a pool.

Being forced to make the transition back to swimming has reminded me how much I love it. I love the water, the sound of the voices echoing indoors, and the squealing children playing in the cold water with the hot sun. Think about activities you used to enjoy as a child, teen, even young adult that you have not done for awhile. Identify something that used to please you to be involved in, and give it a shot again. You may have forgotten how much enjoyment you gained from it. If you're like me, you may reconnect with an activity that truly increases your enjoyment of the journey of reaching a personal goal!

Return on Life: Are you halfway to your goals for the year?

Most of us begin the new year by setting goals for the coming 12 months. Some of you, I'm certain, are still focused on what you want to accomplish during 2008. However, if you are like many, by the time spring rolls around (much less summer!), you've either forgotten most of the goals you set or you are no longer focusing on them.

In another week, we'll be halfway through 2008. It's a great time to step back and think about what's important to you. Are the goals you set supportive of the values which are most important to you? If you are struggling with this, try to think of goals more in terms of the following pattern: I would like my life to be more _____________ this year.

One of my goals this year has been for my life to be more active. I decided to start running again and set a goal of running a half marathon in the fall in order to support the larger goal of being more active. I built up to the point of being able to run 3 miles in 30 minutes (on a flat course, inside!!) with no problems, but then developed a problem with my Achilles tendon. I have not been able to run for about 6 weeks now. However, I am able to work out on an elliptical and today I tried swimming, which I also love. Although I'll be a little disappointed if I can't make the half marathon, setting my yearly goal as being more active has allowed "mental latitude" in how I get there. It's made it much easier to explore options and not get stuck on one method, then giving up altogether when hitting an obstacle with it.

So, revisit your goals and reframe them, if necessary, in terms of "I would like my life to be more ____________ this year. See what you can accomplish in the second half of 2008!

Return on Life: Whose fault is it?

The June 16-19 edition of USA Weekend included a section of myths and realities related to diabetes. One of the stated myths, that it's your own fault if you have diabetes, is refuted by Dr. John B. Buse with the statement that "no one with diabetes has it because he wants to have it." This is followed by the explanation that our bodies are genetically designed in a way that supported our ancestors, which allow our bodies to store extra food and energy when there's plenty available (gain weight quickly), and to lose weight slowly during lean times. This genetic predisposition becomes a problem, the article explains, when we live in an environment where very little physical labor is required and there's plenty of food available.

I'm with Dr. Buse so far. But he seems to end the discussion there. It reads to me as if he is saying that because we live in an environment where there is plenty of food and physical activity is not required, it follows that diabetes will develop. Based on research I have read, it is not inevitable in all cases that diabetes just develops and we have no control or influence in the matter. The American Diabetes Association actually provides an assessment to determine whether you are at risk for diabetes and suggestions for reducing the risk and avoiding development of diabetes. These suggestions include monitoring your diet and getting regular exercise.

Certainly it is true that many cases of diabetes cannot be avoided, but an article like Dr. Buse's gives the impression that we have no say in the matter whatsoever. I would counter that just because we live in an environment where plenty of food is available doesn't mean we have to overindulge and eat in an unhealthy manner. And just because little physical labor is required certainly doesn't mean that we can't build some in.

My biggest concern is that we live in an environment where everything seems to be either someone else's fault or unavoidable just because "it's there." This is sort of like saying that because we live in an environment where designer jeans are available, it's inevitable that families will spend money they don't really have to clothe their teens in them. Yes, it happens frequently, but it's not inevitable. It's a choice. Unhealthy eating and lack of exercise happen frequently, but they are not inevitable. They are choices. Think about the choices you are making, and don't blame the results on someone or something else!

Return on Life: MORE Communication is sometimes the answer

Often, when we read about how to improve communication, we are encouraged (and very rightly so!) to remember that we have two ears and one mouth by design. Listening more and talking less definitely leads to improvements in communication. At the same time, sometimes it helps to share more. Here's an example shared by some friends who have now been married many years:

The first year they were married, they acquired an electric blanket--the kind with separate controls for each person. This worked wonderfully for them, as he preferred a low temperature while she preferred a toasty warm setting. All was well that first winter. However, when the second winter came around, when the blanket went back on the bed. In the process, the controls were placed on the wrong sides of the bed--the control that was handy on the husband's side was actually plugged into the wife's side of the bed, and vice versa.

The first night, the husband was too warm, so he adjusted his control to reduce the temperature. The wife was too cool, so she adjusted hers up, to be warmer. This went on for a number of days, with each of them attempting to adjust their own temperature while accomplishing exactly the opposite. He was ready to bake while she felt like a block of ice. But neither said anything, just suffering in silence. Finally, one mentioned to the other of their discomfort, they figured out what was going on, and switched the controls back to their rightful owners.

So, sometimes, more communication is a good thing. If you have an issue or concern, it doesn't normally help to just internalize it. Complaining about it is not the best way either. But DO state what your problem is and seek help. Don't freeze or cook for days on end with no one else aware of the problem--some issues don't solve themselves after all!

Return on Life: Don't let the news cycle be a source of stress!

I enjoy being able to access current news at any point in time I'm ready for it. Whether we turn on the television, read the paper, or check online, within a few minutes we can feel as though we're caught up at least on the big news of the moment. In fact, it's easy to let the glut of news overwhelm us, which is one reason my husband and I are selective about when we turn the television news on. But, in general, information and knowledge is good.

However, one of the unfortunate side effects is that in their quest for constantly new, exciting developments in the hot story, the live news media cycle doesn't allow for any introspection. We are pushed immediately on to the next stage of the story before we can digest, mentally and emotionally, the current stage. This was evident over the past week as we watched the Democratic primary events unfold. We hadn't even gotten past Tuesday night's confirmation that Obama had clinched the nomination before there was angst about party healing and who the vice presidential pick would be. Obviously, those are the next steps in the process and we would expect them to be discussed as such, but the incessant attention, worry, and fretting, for instance, about whether Clinton supporters will transfer their support to Obama, accompanied by polls regarding those opinions, fosters the feeling that everything is falling apart.

What if we tried just stating how everyone feels right now, without the worrisome projection that none of those feelings will change over the next five months. Life is a process and I humbly suggest that over time, some of those strong feelings will moderate. It is not helpful to project this level of concern that they won't. It helps create a kind of hysteria and disrespect for the ability of human beings to adapt. So, even if you're watching the news, avoid getting drawn into the hype. Human beings are amazingly resilient. If we would take more time to allow others to process their thoughts and feelings, our journey could be much more pleasant--less stress!

Return on Life: Let someone else know they matter

My husband and I just finished teaching the Junior Achievement class "Economics for Success" to two eighth grade classes at Seneca Valley Middle School in Zelienople, PA. This was our first experience as JA volunteers and I wasn't sure what to expect from kids that age. We were both pleased to find that the classes we were assigned to were polite, interactive, and appreciative of our time.

What struck me the most, however, was something that happened on the last day of my class. I handed out certificates of completion to each student as they shared, one by one, what they would most remember from the class. After the first few students, I noticed an intense interest in the certificates, which was followed by a series of questions: Had I actually signed all the certificates myself? Had I really written each student's name and date on there myself? (yes, yes, and yes). Then the reaction: "Wow, that was a lot of work. You really made these for each of us."

Each student shared an insightful learning from one of the six classes. But I really think that at least during that last class, what was most important to the students was that they truly felt important. They knew they mattered. How small a thing--hand writing 24 certificates--and how big an impact.

What can you do to let someone else know they matter? It's so often the things we feel are nearly insignificant that have the greatest impact. Say thanks, give a sincere compliment, make the bed if you normally don't. You'll have a greater impact than you would imagine.

Return on Life: It takes time...

My chiropractor compares the need for some level of maintenance of skeletal alignment to the need to brush your teeth more than one time. That's a perfect analogy for managing your time as well. How many times have you put your foot down, thinking, "Ok, I'm going to get all my tasks and piles on my desk organized so that I know what I have to do." You may spend a couple of hours sorting everything, making a list and plotting it all out (or maybe you were too intimidated by what's ON your desk to even try to begin!). But once you're finished, you go happily along, and never think about that organizing step until it becomes unbearable again and you are frustrated with yourself.

Here is one suggestion to avoid feeling as though you'll never get control of your time: Plan time in your schedule each week to look at what you have to do in the coming week or two, and thoughtfully plan it out. The key here is each week. Just like in brushing your teeth, you don't do it once and that's it. You need to actually plan time to plan your time. Set aside an hour on Friday afternoon each week, and you'll be amazed at the difference it makes!

Return on Life: Don't let gas prices get in the way of a good time!

We are all painfully aware of the sharp increase in gasoline prices. Now that we've hit Memorial Day weekend, we're hearing, reading, and thinking a lot about the effect on everyone's vacation plans. Prices have increased enough that it's causing many to reassess what they had on the agenda.

Our local newspaper had a column last week that suggested "stay-cations" to replace vacations. It was a great suggestion about staying home and enjoying activities close by. Don't we all comment, sometimes, about activities that are available within a few miles that we just never get around to taking advantage of.

I'll add a piece to this suggestion. If you decide to have a "stay-cation", don't stay at home while you do it. Stay at a local hotel or campsite. It may sound silly to pay to stay in your home town, but if you've never done this you'll be surprised at the effect. Pay for the same type of accommodations you'd have had if you had gone out of town--and perhaps choose a different section of the city if you're in an urban area. Do somethings you've never done and go some places you've never been. Just by staying somewhere other than home, it will be even more of an adventure, and encourage you to take a real break from the routine for multiple days, which is the whole point of a vacation.

Whatever you do, have fun!

Return on Life: We're all in the same boat!

Yesterday I was the keynote speaker at a workshop presented by Pittsburgh Professional Women (PPW). My speech was preceded by a panel of five female business owners. Beth Caldwell, of PPW, asked each panelist a series of questions around the topic "Getting paid what you're worth." Her questions addressed issues such as how each panelist set fees, whether fees were the same for the same product or service sold to different markets, and what they would have done differently in starting their businesses.

The panelists ranged from young to not young and their businesses included psychologist, life coach, DJ, personal organizer, and an owner of multiple businesses including one which sells furniture.

What was interesting about their responses was the similarity of the issues they faced. Each dealt with them differently, but when it came right down to it, they have all faced many of the same struggles in building their businesses. And by their comments, the attendees (mainly women in business as well) faced the same issues. The workshop was a good reminder of how helpful it is just to hear 1) we all struggle with the same issues, and 2) it helps to hear other's perspective of how to deal with the struggles--or even sometimes just to share our own.

I believe this is true of our lives in general. Sometimes we feel as though we are the only one struggling with a particular issue. That alone-ness makes it difficult to maintain a positive attitude. I can say pretty confidently that whatever struggle you are having, someone else has the same struggle now, or has in the past. Sharing your struggles (not whining and complaining, mind you) helps just in the sharing, but also by confirming that we are not alone. That in itself can improve your attitude. It might also help you find a solution to the issue. Being willing to share past struggles and how you've dealt with them can help someone dealing with a current issue.

We sometimes tend to believe that others have it all figured out simply because we don't see evidence of struggles. Don't imagine that you're the only one, and don't hesitate to seek help or to provide it. Either way, you'll be part of making this journey of life a more fulfilling one all the way around!

Return on Life: Even if someone ELSE is the problem, consider how YOU can adjust

I teach workshops on Social Style, a model which helps participants understand, based on observable behavior, how they and others prefer to interact as well as techniques for more successful interactions without trying to change who you are. The improvement in communications reduces conflict and frustration. Invariably, when I describe the workshops, the person I speaking with immediately responds "I know someone who needs to attend that!" Sometimes it's said in jest, but there's still a hint of immediately thinking of someone who needs to change how they interact in order to reduce conflict.

Think about yourself. I'm certain you interact with people who irritate you. If only they would change, your relationship would be so much better. You are probably right. The person who came to mind probably popped up first because they exhibit the most difficult behavior for you and others to accommodate. But don't forget the other side of the equation: You. Stop and think what you can do to help foster good communication. Give some thought to why they act the way they do.

A quick example: Someone who dominates a conversation may have a view of the world in which they don't feel they get enough recognition for their contributions. Your view may be VERY different from that. But if THEIR view is that they are lacking in recognition, they'll keep acting in ways to increase recognition. Our tendency is to try to shut that off because they begin to drive us crazy. Instead of trying to muzzle them, try asking their opinion first and acknowledging their contribution. It may help them be able to settle down and listen to everyone else. It's seems like exactly the wrong thing to do, but you'll be amazed at how it can help.

Don't ever forget, even if you're not part of the problem, you can become part of the solution!

Return on Life: Your inner compass

Were you a fan of NBC's The Biggest Loser this past season? It's amazing and impressive, the changes made by the participants, and the progress they made in creating healthier lives. In a recent issue of USA Weekend (which arrives with our Sunday newspaper), the Question & Answer section inside the front cover included a query about Bob Harper, the show's host. What caught my attention was the quote in which he summed up the participants: "They were off track and lost their inner compass."

Losing our inner compass results in our taking actions that are not aligned with what's truly important to us. It's easy, in the busy-ness of daily life to get into a reactive mode, and get off track. When was the last time you checked your inner compass, to determine whether your daily activities are aligned with the values you find most important. If it's been awhile, set aside some time, just for yourself, to give it some thought. You may need to "recalibrate" to get back to your true North. Even if you're fortunate enough to love your work and you don't feel a need for a break, take one anyway. If your inner compass is not out of whack, taking some time to reflect will help keep it in line!

Return on Life: Goals in theory vs. goals in real life

I recently began a walking/jogging program in earnest. My goal is to run a half marathon race this fall, so this is the first step. Having been a runner (many 10k races and one half marathon) in the past, I had a sense of what a half marathon training program looks like. I also knew how out of shape I was. To begin, I found a training program that would help me realistically get from walking 30-45 minutes to a straight jog. So I was taking all the steps to making my goal a SMART one (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timebound).

Because I began in early March, my first few weeks of training were all indoors, on the running track at the local YMCA. I was progressing well, each session left me tired, but ultimately feeling stronger. Until.....the first spring day arrived and I did my walk/run outdoors. I could hardly believe how much more difficult it was! I'd forgotten how much difference even small changes in elevation (believe me, I can't claim there were actual hills involved!) and moving air (no high winds either) could make.

Since that day I've been able to train outdoors once or twice each week. Each time, I'm reminded of the lesson I learned about artificial circumstances vs. the real world, which is what I want to share with you today: Even when you set SMART goals, things will be different when you begin, in the real world, to take the actions needed to reach the goals. And that's okay. Stay focused on the actions you know you need to take, absorb the reality, adjust if needed, and keep moving forward. I take a nice hot bubble bath after my outdoor runs as a treat for the extra effort (and yes, to help my muscles recover). Don't allow real life to get you off track!

Return on Life: The Groundhog Day Lesson

I'm not referring to February 2, celebrated as Groundhog Day each year, but to the 1993 movie starring Bill Murray and Andie McDowell. I had seen it when it first came out, but hadn't actually watched it since. My husband and I happened across it this weekend. All I had really remembered (and frankly, ever heard reference to) was that the movie was about Bill Murray getting stuck living Groundhog Day over and over again in an endless loop. I thought of it as a mindless Bill Murray comedy.

As we watched again this weekend, I realized that I had missed the entire message (or at least not retained it). If you haven't seen this movie for awhile, watch it again. What you'll learn is that the reason Bill was stuck on that same day is that he hadn't learned to care or think about others. Once he did--truly, not just by pretending--he was able to move forward with his life. It was all about how he saw things and what he focused on. The movie illustrates one of the five basic attitudes necessary for increasing your Return on Life--have an attitude of love.

Are you feeling stuck in your life--as if it's the same day over and over again? Watch Groundhog Day, and adopt an attitude of looking at what's right in the world, and how you can make the lives of others better. Just as in the movie, it will propel you to a brighter, sunnier future. It will increase your Return on Life!

Return on Life: Let's not lose ground!

I read a scary report today, originally published in the Washington Post. For the first time in a long time, we are beginning to see a shortening of life expectancy. Right now it's being seen more in rural and low income areas, but don't think it can't spread.

According to the report, the "trend appears to be driven by increases in death from diabetes, lung cancer, emphysema and kidney failure. You may know this already, but the drastic rise in diabetes is in large part due to obesity, inactivity and stress. Lung cancer is tied to smoking. And recent research shows that emphysema may be at least partially an autoimmune disease triggered by stress. All of these are under our control.

I find it difficult to believe that, living in a country where we have such freedom in what we do, so many of us choose to be SO self-indulgent, that we're actually killing ourselves earlier than 20 years ago! Believe me, it's not about never eating another donut or running marathons. It IS about making some basic changes that will not make you miserable but WILL make your life more enjoyable and longer.

If you are conscious of eating in a healthy manner and you are active most days of the week, congratulations! Perhaps you can help motivate your family, friends, and co-workers to do the same. If you are NOT eating well and are sedentary, get up right now and go for a 10 minute walk! Then do it again tomorrow. Even small steps help make a difference over time.

We really are at a turning point--as demonstrated by the fact that despite medical advances and access to healthful food and myriad opportunities to stay active, we have begun to succeed in counteracting all of this. Don't become part of the "I'm going to live a shorter life" statistics. Do what you can to be healthy as long as you're here, and you'll help reverse this disturbing trend!

Return on Life: What if YOU won the lottery?

There was a fascinating wire report recently about a man in Wales who had won a $2.6 million lottery jackpot. He had been employed at a McDonald's, and of course immediately quit. Not surprising--who would want to work at McDonald's with a net worth of $2.6 million? Turns out, actually he did. After 18 months enjoying the winnings, he went back to his old job because he missed his co-workers. So many stories of lottery winners have such unhappy endings--money spent within a matter of a few years, drugs and other problems cropping up. My bet is that 20 years down the road, this young man will still have the money (and more!). If he can, within 18 months, adjust to that huge a change in his life, he is centered enough in himself to weather just about any storm--good or bad!

Amazingly, he's only 25 years old, but he has wisdom beyond his years. He returned to the McDonald's job because he missed his old friends. Some of you are thinking "Is he nuts? He could spend the rest of his life just travelling around the world, doing whatever he wanted to do. The whole point is, he now is doing what he wants to do. It just happens to create income for him rather than cost money. For him, that doesn't put his McDonald's job in the undesirable category, and hooray for him for realizing it. I imagine he received lots of suggestions to go the spending route. He was smart enough to realize what made him happy, and return to it, before he lost his way in life. By doing so, he's provided a great lesson in being "self-referent"--looking inwardly for guidance and not letting others get him off track.

Think about it: What would you do if you won $2.6 million in the lottery? What's truly important to you?

Return on Life: Don't Become a Stress Tree!

I recently read a story of a man who had been going through a very stressful time at work. He realized he had begun to take it out on his family. Searching for a way to release the tension before he walked in his home each evening, he settled on grabbing hold of a huge tree in his front yard each evening. He would imagine all of his frustrations flowing out of him and into the tree. He found that this actually did allow him to calm down and be in a normal frame of mind when he walked in the front door. His relationship with his family healed, but there was also another unexpected outcome. Over the next year, the tree (his "stress tree" as he dubbed it) turned brown and died!

I shared this amazing story with a friend. Her eyes widened, and I could see something click in place in her mind. I thought she was going to comment on how amazing this story was, but instead she said, "I've been a stress tree for other people". She had recently ended a relationship that had become a stressful one for her, partially because she had allowed the other person to use her as their "stress tree". My friend is a loving, giving person, but she realized she was taking on more from this person than she was able to handle--she was in danger of turning brown, like the stress tree!

Think about your relationships. We all want to --and should--be supportive of each other. Just be sure not to carry it to the point of becoming a stress tree. If you turn brown, you will no longer be able to support others. Increase your Return on Life by monitoring how much stress you take on, and by finding ways for it to flow back out before it becomes toxic!

Return on Life: Now we have proof of what makes us happier!

A recent Associated Press (AP) article provides proof that doing something for others (including spending money on them) makes us happier than doing the same for ourselves. Researchers at University of British Columbia and Harvard University wanted to build on previous studies (which showed that having more money can increase happiness) by conducting a study looking at whether the way people spent their money made any difference. They found that doing something for others made people happy, which may not surprise you. What could be surprising was the fact that the level of happiness was significantly higher when the individuals in the study did something for others--whether it involved money or time. This effect was noticeable even when small amounts of money or effort were involved.

So, if you want to get more out of life, do something for someone else today, even if you only have resources to begin with something small!

Return on Life: Perspective is critical

I always read the "Dear Abby" type column in my daily newspaper--it's fascinating to read about the interpersonal issues people face and the suggestions for dealing with them. A recent edition provided a great example of the subtle way we transfer responsibility for our emotions and reactions away from ourselves.

Here is the passage: "Many of today's baby boomers suffer hearing loss from listening to loud music or living in noisy environments. It can cause irritability, negativism, anger, fatigue, tension, stress and depression, and can lead to social withdrawal."

Certainly hearing loss may result in these effects, but for most of the items on the list, we are choosing that reaction. That doesn't make those results any more palatable, but it does put them back in the category of things we can control--or at least influence--rather than the category of things over which we have no control.

Think about which terminology you use--are negative results you're experiencing actually caused by an outside influence, or are they caused by your reaction to them? If they're caused by your reaction, direct your efforts to reducing or eliminating those reactions. You'll have less stress, and increase your return on life!

Return on Life: Kids make the best teachers sometimes!

Today's edition of North Journal (March 5, 2008) from Trib Total Media contains a story that illustrates how easy it is to make a difference in the lives of others. Fourth grade students of Kathleen Geigel at Richland Elementary have embarked on "Project Snuggle", which involves making fleece blankets for schoolmates facing tough times. The kids had hear about a similar project at Children's Hospital in Pittsburgh, called Project Linus, where volunteers make the blankets for patients. They were so inspired, they decided to do the same within their school.

We all sympathize with others when they face tough times, and appreciate the kind thoughts of others when we're the ones having difficulty. Ms. Geigel's class, however, shows us how to take it a step further. Their classmates may be dealing with situations they can't control (one recipient is facing surgery, for example), but these fourth graders have figured out what they CAN do to help. Imagine the love that's poured into each and every one of those blankets! Imagine how the recipients feel when they're snuggled up inside! And, imagine how good the kids who made the blankets feel!

What small step can you take today to ease a difficult time for a friend, colleague, or family member? Amazingly, doing something to increase someone else's Return on Life will actually increase the Return on your Life as well!

Thanks, Kathleen Geigel's Richland Elementary Fourth Grade Class, for setting a great example!

Return on Life: Another way to make it through the cold and snowy winter

This is the time of year that many living in areas that experience winter begin to get weary. Bundling up to stay warm, scraping ice and snow off the car, being extra careful not to fall or have a wreck, etc., etc. It can really wear you out! That is, if you focus on it and think about it.
Now, after reading that last sentence, you may be thinking "well, it's there, right ouside my window. How can I not think about it." The way you do that is that when an ugly thought about the cold, snow, wet, and discomfort comes into your mind, just realize that it's there, and then consciously think about something else. It's really just that simple. You're really just redirecting your attention to something that you feel better thinking about. It takes practice, but it's simple to do. And, as you practice, it gets easier.
I know this because although I've never really had this issue with winter, I've had it with other situations I couldn't change. Once you realize that it's your choice what you think about, the next realization is that you can choose a thought different than your current thought.
That next thought might not be "I love winter" (I don't think it's really helpful to try to fool yourself), but it could simply be "I'm going to read a good book" or "I love my family, they're wonderful". Just think about anything other than the fact that you hate winter. By the way, it also works with other situations you can't change and don't like! You'll be surprised at how much more content you'll be with life over time by practicing at redirecting your thoughts.

Mayor Bloomberg points out the bright side

Last Friday brought up to a foot of snow to the Northeast. Even if you escaped the worst of it, this is the time of year that winter can become the nastiest in many parts of the country. And we develop that dreaded disease: Cabin Fever!

I was so excited to read Saturday's news account of the storm. Not because it revealed, as you would expect, that there were hundreds of accidents, over a thousand cancelled flights and lots of other "fallout" from the 6 inches that fell in New York City alone. No, I was excited due to the reaction of New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg. Given that we can't control when, how or if winter storms arrive, he gave New Yorkers 3 reasons to feel better given the circumstances:

1. It snowed Friday, which left the entire weekend to clean things up.
2. He announced that free hot chocolate would be available at one park in each of the city's 5 boroughs.
3. He further announced that this same park would offer free sled rentals!

Now, that's making lemonade out of lemons! Or fun out of ice and cold, or something....

So, even if you can't enjoy the snow by being in it, enjoy the beauty and have some hot chocolate indoors where it's warm! Thank you, Mayor Bloomberg!

Forgiveness is really for YOU (not the other guy)!

Our newspaper today had a "Dear Abby" type letter about parents who disagreed about what action to take regarding a friend of their son. The friend had been quite a troublemaker and ended up in a detention facility for multiple felony convictions. Both parents felt that the friend had a negative impact on their son--their son's actions tended to be influenced by the friend. The father felt that the friend should be forgiven, and upon his release from the detention facility, allowed to spend time with their son. The mother felt that their son should not be allowed to hang out with the friend.

Reading this letter made me realize how we get mixed up about what forgiveness is, and how it can and should be applied. To forgive simply means to renounce anger or resentment against. In the past, I thought forgiveness was for the person being forgiven. But it's not. It's actually for the person DOING the forgiving. In fact you can forgive someone without them even knowing about it. When you forgive someone, it allows you to move on rather than remaining stuck at the point of the issue that needed the forgiving. And, often, before you reach the point you can forgive someone, you are hurting yourself more than you are having an effect on the person you have yet to forgive.

At the same time, you can forgive someone and still choose not to have further interaction with them. This was the real issue the parents needed to decide. Yes, they should forgive the friend, as that means they decide to discontinue harboring negative feelings--feelings of resentment--toward him. But they still may choose to have their son spend his time around other friends rather than this one, at least until such time as they are comfortable that the friend has matured.

Think about whether you have someone to forgive, even if you choose not to resume a relationship with them. Forgiveness frees your mind and your heart from the weight it carries. Extending forgiveness allows you to increase YOUR return on life!

Don't be the one to turn lemonade into lemons!

With all the rain we've been having the past few days, I'm reminded of an incident that serves as a perfect example of how we all get caught up in the negative side of things--even unimportant little "happenings".

Any time I park in a parking lot, I leave a few empty spots so that I am a few steps farther from the door. You see, I LOVE ice cream and chocolate but I DON'T love having to buy larger clothes, so this is one of the ways I can offset my intake. I parked that way at our office building one day last fall. As I got out and walked the 40 feet to the door, a gentleman who works in another office of our building was entering at the same time. He said, "You couldn't have parked much farther from the door, could you?" So I responded, "Well, I love ice cream and this way I can eat more". I thought I'd get a laugh from that.

But no. He couldn't give up that easily! His response was, "Well, you'll probably be sorry later when it rains!". I couldn't believe it. As far as I know, I don't melt when I get wet, so I was still happy with my decision. But I didn't say anthing else, because I really didn't want to know how far he would go to cast a negative light on my fitness trick. I din't want his negative attitude to impace my positive one.

Over the next few days, listen to yourself. See if you catch yourself trying to turn others' lemonade back into lemons. If you are, go back to the lemonade--and don't let anyone replace YOUR positive thoughts with negative ones either!

Attitude: Abundance vs. Scarcity Mentality

One of the attitudes that will help you increase your return on life is an attitude of abundance versus scarcity. An attitude of scarcity assumes that because someone else has something, you cannot have it. Now, obviously, if you are considering the status of the same physical item, you both can't have it at the same time. But if you're talking about intangibles such as success or love or happiness, one person having them doesn't keep you from attaining them at the same time. This brings in the concept of abundance mentality. Abundance mentality is the realization that just because someone else has (or desires) somthing, it does not preclude you having the same thing.

This is on my mind particularly this week, as I am preparing for an event which is a perfect example of abundance mentality at work. Next Tuesday, February 5, from 3-7 p.m. there is a region-wide celebration of networking being held at the Radisson Greentree. It is a particularly noteworthy event when you realize who is behind the effort: Not one, but two referral networking organizations who are direct competitors to each other are working together on it. It's the second year they've done this. Deanna Tucci-Schmitt of BNI (Business Network International) and Tom Reda of TSBN (The Small Business Network) understand that even though business people eventually must choose between their two organizations, both organizations grow stronger and support their members better if they work together on events such as this, which help everyone become more effective referral networkers. It's a beautiful thing, and if you haven't registered yet for the event, check it out at www.indpittsburgh.com !

Are you abundant or scarce in your mentality? Give it some thought today!

So, how DO you increase your return on life?

Over the past 18 years, I spent a lot of time working on figuring out how to get rid of the "is that all there is" feeling. You may be struggling with that thought right now. It basically comes down to the Three A's: Attitude, Actions, and Alignment.
We'll talk about each of these going forward, but the thought that I wanted to share today is a basic fact that will help you begin to immediately increase your return on life: Your attitude comes from your thoughts. You control your thoughts. Therefore, you control your attitude.
It takes practice, to be able to stop a thought that is not productive for you, but you can learn to do it. As you practice, you'll find that changing your thoughts changes your attitude, which changes your mood, which changes your entire temperament--for the better!
Over the next few posts, we'll talk more about how this works specifically. I welcome YOUR thoughts as you think over mine!

We should ALL think this way!

Dan Grzybek, a seventh-grader at Hampton Middle School in the Pittsburgh, PA area, provides a great lesson in ownership and responsibility. After completing a social studies project on underprivileged people throughout the world (Dan chose water as his topic), he decided that it wasn't enough to just learn that more the 28 million people in West Africa don't have access to safe drinking water. He realized that the amount of water a typical person in Africa uses in a day is about the amount an American uses to flush a toilet just once! His research also led him to the realization that for $5,000, a well could be drilled by World Vision, a relief and development organization.

So, Dan is working on raising $5,000. He has placed water jugs in classrooms throughout his school, and a student talent show is planned for February 22 with the proceeds from ticket sales ($5 each) going to the cause. It's easy to imagine that we can't really have much of an effect if we can't travel to another continent and help dig the well ourselves. This seventh-grader's effort provides an excellent example of how to make a difference in a practical way. One well can actually make a difference to dozens --or even hundreds of people.

Think about how you can make a difference, even with a small effort. Oh, and if you'd like to help Dan reach his goal of $5,000 before the end of February, contact his school at 412-492-6372 to find out how. Congratulations, and thank you, Dan!

Dealing with the real world

One of the ways to increase your return on life involves being able to adapt to circumstances beyond your control without letting the situation get you totally off track. Resiliency helps you to assess situations and take appropriate actions without getting mired in the emotions. This is an area that I believe we are quickly losing ground, to our detriment.

Those of you who live in or near the Pittsburgh, PA area no doubt saw new coverage over the weekend concerning a female in the home of Steelers team member Cedrick Wilson. After the incident had been resolved, it was reported that she had fired a gun during the incident and that law enforcement officers had evacuated the neighborhood.

What surprised me about the accounts of this event had nothing to do with the woman, who was obviously severely distressed in one way or another. What I found disappointing was the reaction of the individuals who had been evacuated--or those connected with them. In two separate reports of the incident, the only quotes from these individuals had to do with dismay or with "feeling sorry for" those who had to leave their homes. I found that most curious. My reactions were relief that no one was hurt, sorrow for the distress of the young woman, and gratitude for the action of the officers in ensuring that everyone was safe. It didn't occur to me to feel sorry for the neighbors who were "inconvenienced" by having to leave--even though most had to spend the night elsewhere. I imagine they stayed with friends or family, perhaps in some cases in a hotel, and had time to pack necessities prior to evacuating.

When did we come to expect that somehow our lives are not to be interrupted by the rest of the world? Think about inconveniences you face and think about your reaction to them. Could you see an inconvenience as an opportunity for adventure, or a little spice in your life? You're the one who chooses your attitude, and acknowledging the positives and seeing the possibilities will serve you better than wallowing in self pity over being inconvenienced by real life.

TRULY effective communication

One way to increase your return on life is to improve communications with those you interact with. You've probably all heard that a good communicator has one mouth and two ears for a reason. Steven Covey references "seeking to understand." I had a recent learning in this area: it's not just surface listening, but deep listening, that is required to truly communicate well.

My husband loves cars, and he tends to get bored with whatever vehicle he has after a couple of years. I am the complete opposite--as long as a car gets me where I want to go, I wouldn't care if I owned it for ten years. We've gotten used to each other's preferences in this regard, but I was still missing something about this until not long ago. I had noticed that when we did get a new vehicle, it was only a matter of weeks before Steve began talking about the latest and greatest vehicle that was being developed and pointing out every new car on the road. I found myself thinking "Wow, he's already unhappy with the car we just got, he already wants the newer, better one." You can imagine I was feeling stressed, because the last thing I wanted to do at that point was think about a new car.

I finally said something to him about it, and an amazing thing happened: I found out that it wasn't at all that he was unhappy with the current car, he just LOVES CARS! He notices every new model and what he likes and dislikes--probably like some people are with clothing fashions. He was just enjoying looking and talking about it.

By voicing my frustration, I found out that I had made an incorrect assumption and was feeling stressed as a result. Since I now understand what's actually going on in his head, I can actually enjoy his passion of the cars and not be consumed with thinking we were headed off to the new car lot immediately!

I imagine you are aware that you need to listen to others to communicate well, but are you REALLY listening? It's not as easy as we think!

Watch the words you use

Part of my mission in life is to eliminate negativity. Don't misunderstand that I believe that I will eliminate all negative situations. I just want to work on how we respond to them. We are getting caught up in overreactions and hyperbole, which increases our stress levels and reduces our enjoyment of life.

Here's an example: An article in AARP Bulletin (Vol. 49 No. 1, January-February 2008) on page 6 describes a law passed in Tennessee which prohibits residents from using commercial addresses for voter registrations. The problem with the law is that some retired residents maintain their residency in that state via a commercial address, but spend all their time traveling around the country in their RVs. So now they cannot vote. Several of them have brought a lawsuit against the state to get this changed--which is exactly what they need to do. As a voter, I have missed voting in only one election in my entire voting life--a local primary--and I definitely don't want anyone doing anything to get in anyone's way of exercising that right.

The issue I have is with a statement from one of the affected individuals, who is quoted as saying "I feel like we've been violated." While I strongly agree that the law has an undesirable side effect, this disenfranchisement of voters was most likely unintended. I don't feel that it rises to the level of them "being violated." Using that term to describe this situation is emotional hyperbole. This usage may seem a small matter, but it's an example of the way we use terminology in an exaggerated way. It actually trivializes the term "violated" and raises the level of noise and the feeling that everyone is a victim. I would rather we talk about intending to have the law changed due to the unintended consequences and stick to discussions about the reality of society. I imagine this scenario never occurred to the lawmakers, and I haven't checked any statistics, but my guess is that there are more full time RV'ers than 5 years ago, and the number is growing.

Stand up for your rights, but work on talking about it in an adult manner!

Be certain the goals you set are yours

Setting goals that stick requires that you set goals (and activities to get you there) that are truly yours, not someone else's. It's easy, especially this time of year, to take on goals that sound good, but that we have not really thought through. This also works at the level of deciding what activities you'll undertake to reach the goals.

I was reminded of this yesterday during a conversation with my friend Michelle. We are both working on getting in better shape this year. Michelle's goal is to workout every other day for 60 minutes. As a former body builder, that will likely include weight lifting at least twice per week with various aerobic activities thrown in. I, on the other hand, as a former runner, have a goal of running in a half marathon in September. My regimen will be made up mostly of walking, jogging, and running, with a little strength training thrown in.

We are working toward the same general goal--better health through a stronger, more fit body. But we're taking our own paths to get there. As you think about your goals, be sure they're goals that truly matter to YOU. And set up the daily activities accordingly.

Have a great weekend!

Getting rid of guilt

I hope you've given some thought to what you want your life to be this year. You may have even begun working on some specific goals that resulted from that thought process. If you have, rest assured that at some point you will fall short of your expectations of yourself. Perhaps you've decided to exercise 5 days per week, or stick strictly to a diet. The first time you miss an exercise day or eat something not included in your diet, what do you think will happen? GUILT will set in.

About two years ago, I came across the comment that guilt is a wasted emotion. I had to think hard about that one. It was difficult to consciously decide NOT to feel guilty (I guess I felt guilty about not feeling guilty?). But I finally decided that this made sense. Guilt, contrary to what we are often taught, is not a helpful emotion. It gets in our way. It keeps us from getting back on track and moving forward. Deciding not to feel guilty doesn't mean you don't have a conscience, it just means that you won't get stuck feeling badly about not being perfect.

If you don't meet your own expectations, rather than spending time feeling guilty, figure out what went wrong and renew your commitment to the expectation you have set. Or decide that the expectation was unrealistic and adjust it. Either way, make a decision and move on rather than getting caught in the guilt trap. If the guilt involves an interaction you've had with someone else, make amends and then move one.

This year, when you don't meet your own expectations, skip the guilt stage. Focus on your "I want my life to be" statement, and you'll find that you begin to create a greater Return on Life.

A real life example of setting goals based on your values

My last post suggested a first step in setting goals that stick: Begin by considering a broader view of what's important to you. Here's an example of thinking through the WHY of a goal as well as the HOW:

Two days ago, my husband and I spent a couple of hours moving furniture and "stuff" in our offices. Yesterday and today, he has had aches and pains all over! As we were discussing why he felt so tired and achy, I commented "Well, you are a relatively sedentary person." He thought about this for a few minutes, then responded by asking me to begin helping him, this Monday, to become more active. It would have been easy for me to simply offer to remind him to go for a walk or a bike ride several times a week--but that has the potential to put me in the position of nagging--which is not a habit of mine and definitely not a goal!

So we first talked about why he wanted to become more active. His reasoning is that if he doesn't, he may not live a long and healthy life. He would LIKE to live a long and healthy life, and he knows that he must become more active to increase the odds of accomplishing it.

Second, I asked him how I could help. As we talked, he was able to decide on his own that the best course of action would be for him to begin practicing yoga on Monday. This is an activity he has tried previously and enjoyed. We already have several yoga tapes, so it's a good choice, as he's more likely to do this at home for now.

Third, we discussed WHEN on Monday he would schedule his yoga session. Because he is planning this for the evening, he also realized that he'll need to make sure that he doesn't come home from work hungry. If he does, he'll have to eat dinner first, then will be less likely to follow through with the yoga. By thinking through WHY this is a goal and HOW, he has set a realistic starting place.

And, at this point, his goal is simply to start. Had he already been in the habit of exercising or otherwise being active, he could create a specific goal, perhaps of X times per week or X minutes per week, to increase his activity. But for now, anything he can do to increase his activity is helping accomplish his goal of becoming more active to live a longer life, so he is taking a great first step. As he progresses, he will need to (and be able to) set more specific goals--and they should always be consciously tied back to his value of being healthy.

Have you thought about what's important to you and what you should be doing to accomplish it?

Making New Year's Resolutions that Stick

Welcome to 2008!

New Year's resolutions are on nearly everyone's mind today. We have all experienced the excitement of setting a goal for the year, then losing focus as the holiday memories fade. Some of us react by refusing to establish goals or resolutions the next year, to avoid setting ourselves up for failure. Others are eternally optimistic and start off every new year with resolutions to improve ourselves not matter our level of success in the past.

Before you set specific goals this year, begin by considering a more general statement: "I would like my life to be (or I would like to be)________________ during the next year". For example, rather than immediately setting a goal of losing 30 pounds or sticking to an exercise routine 5 days per week, think about what is driving that desire. Your statement could be "I would like to be healthier next year", or "I would like to be more active". Then you can decide specifically what actions you can take to accomplish that general goal. This has the effect of directing your focus on what you truly want to accomplish in the larger sense.

This technique is one of the ways to increase your return on life: Tying your goals and actions to your core principles, values and beliefs, rather than on those imposed externally. We'll talk more about this in the weeks ahead.

There's something about putting a desire in writing that helps bring it to reality, so here's mine: I would like my life to be more active in the coming year. I feel better physically and mentally when I walk, jog, swim, bike, move somehow on a regular basis, and I've gotten sporadic about it. So, this will be my focus for the year.

Give it some thought, then I'd love for you to share your "I would like" statement!